Senior Halloween

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Read more...

Love Story

I will seek and find you .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Read more...

Wrong Feet

While on vacation in Jamaica a married couple walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
Something his wife haven't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, he grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You gotdem on the wrong feet!"

Read more...

Damn Bra

Read more...

Avoiding Heart Attack

Want to lessen your probability of getting a heart attack?

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks thn Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Read more...

Memories

One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He said "Today I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

He then shouted out, "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

He hollered out "GRACE."

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE."

He said, "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

Then he intoned, "SEX"

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "MEMORIES."

Read more...

Just a Thought

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations? But none of them rub your dick and say well done.

Read more...

Too Focused

A mother was called to school as her kid has gotten one D and three F's on his report card.

The teacher asked her, "Why do you think your son is not doing well?"

"Seems he is concentrating too much on just one subject," she replied.

Read more...

#

At a business conference, a lady executive was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome, smartly dressed man. They flirted casually throughout dinner, then became bored and restless as the dignitaries continued their speeches.

So during one rather long-winded lecture, the man placed a cocktail napkin on the table between them and drew a # sign. Elated, the lady wrote down her phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, the man drew another # sign, but this time, added an X to the upper-left hand corner.

Read more...

FAQ about Men

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe...

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

Read more...