A bum approached a man for some loose change.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks.

"No, I don't drink," replied the bum.

The man looked at the bum's tattered and clothes and worn-out shoes and asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

"No, I don't gamble."

The man asked again, "Do you play golf?"

The bum was puzzled but nevertheless replied, "No, I don't play golf."

Then the man then offered, "Come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

A Telecom History

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese".

One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY".

Eggs

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack."

"No good telling me," replies the male egg. "I'm not hard yet"

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try this simple experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.....

When you open the trunk, see who is happiest to see you!

Lousy Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard stopped me and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

Tarzan Checks for Squirrels

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was.

He exclaimed, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in tree trunk."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrels."

New CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO, who promptly decided to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business, so he walked up to the guy and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Farting to Music

Maegan was in a restaurant on a blind date when she realized she desperately needed to break wind. The sound system happened to be very loud so she decided to coincide with the beat of the music. After that she felt fine but then she noticed everyone to be staring at her. That's when she remembered she was listening to her iPod.

Opening at the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, 2 men and a woman were the finalists.

For the final test, the first man was taken to a large metal door and was handed a gun. A CIA agent told him, "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Behind this door you will find your wife. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given similar instructions - kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Within seconds shots rang out, one after another.

Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. The agent was just about to go in and check things out when the door opened and the woman stepped out, sweating profusely.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

De Dash Don't be Silent.

How would you pronounce this child's name? - "Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, MO, USA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When she was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.