A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello, how are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," he told her.
"Which word?" she asked.
"Love..."
She correctly spelled it, and St. Peter let her in.
About a year later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," she said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her." I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" he asked.
"Czechoslovakia... "
Showing posts with label Heaven. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heaven. Show all posts
Don't Step on the Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all these and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all these and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Arriving In Heaven
A bunch on new arrivals gather at the gates of Heaven where they are met by St. Peter. The good saint asks the first person, "Religion?"
"Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 21, but be very quiet as you pass Room 1."
A second person is asked the same question.
"Baptist," he replies.
"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 1," St. Peter instructs him.
The third person comes up and is again asked the same question.
"Jewish," the man answers.
"Go to Room 13, but be very quiet as you pass Room 1."
The man says, "Excuse me, St. Peter, I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 1?"
"Well, the Catholics are in Room 1," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."
"Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 21, but be very quiet as you pass Room 1."
A second person is asked the same question.
"Baptist," he replies.
"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 1," St. Peter instructs him.
The third person comes up and is again asked the same question.
"Jewish," the man answers.
"Go to Room 13, but be very quiet as you pass Room 1."
The man says, "Excuse me, St. Peter, I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 1?"
"Well, the Catholics are in Room 1," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."
Heaven's Ugliest Wome
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Wham! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Wham! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys ask in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."
She frowns and says to the first two guys, "I lied."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Wham! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Wham! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys ask in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."
She frowns and says to the first two guys, "I lied."
Heaven's Pavement
A rich man was near death and was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money. He wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. On seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement!?!"
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. On seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement!?!"
Heaven's Ugliest Women
Three men enters Heaven's Gate where St. Peter was waiting for them. He advises them, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
They all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
As the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women they see their friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys ask, "How did you end up with her when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Go ahead, tell them."
She answers, "I lied."
They all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
As the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women they see their friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys ask, "How did you end up with her when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Go ahead, tell them."
She answers, "I lied."
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