Sabbath Sex

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

But the man is still unsure, thinking, after all, "What does a priest know of sex?"

So he decides to go to a minister - a married man - for the answer. But he receives the same reply - sex is work and not for the Sabbath.

Still not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work my wife would have the maid do it."

A Pastor's Good News and Bad News

A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Two Kinds of People

There are only two kinds of people in the world - those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord." and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Praise the Lord!

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout 'PRAISE THE LORD!' more than once everyday.

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so mad at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!!"

It so happened that hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The aetheist neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. PRAISE THE LORD!"

The End is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"