Breast Enlargement

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Husband: "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

Wife: "How do I do it without surgery?"

Husband: "Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled, the wife asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

Husband: "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Old Lady

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says, "Well, tell me about them."

The doctor explains, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains again, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

The Knob

A woman consulted a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' in which a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. She readily agreed to the procedure.

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. Finally, after fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Mistaken Identity

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."