The Priest's Retirement Dinner

A parish priest was being honored at his retirement dinner and a leading local politician and member of the congregation was selected to make the presentation and to give a little speech.

However, the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave an STD to his sister. I was appalled."

The shocked crowd murmured their disapproval of the miscreant among them.

"But," the old priest continued, "as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," he told the crowd, still at sharp attention after the priest's words. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession...."

Getting a Good Lead

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What have you done, Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine McKenzie?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be Sarah O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."