Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos in the city.

Not surprisingly some churchgoers at Sunday services will give casino chips instead of cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings...they send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin to be cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Memories

One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He said "Today I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

He then shouted out, "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

He hollered out "GRACE."

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE."

He said, "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

Then he intoned, "SEX"

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "MEMORIES."

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.; "

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to a Methodist Church, a Baptist Church, a Lutheran Church, ..."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

A rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Tithing

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for several weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her one day, and said, "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate."

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and since I don't need it all, I give $1000.00 to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "Oh, around $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed, "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?

"He is a veterinarian."

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

The Lie Game

A minister passed by a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Get Behind Me, Satan

Struggling to make ends meet on a meager first-call salary, a pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $240 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"

She explained, "I was outside the shop looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on. It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

The Professional

A pastor was at church when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left church and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. When she got back to her car and she realized she had locked her keys inside. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse, and added, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The pastor looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had also locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within a few minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The pastor thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute he was able to open the car.

The paster was so happy she hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The pastor hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you Lord! You even sent me a Professional!"

In One Ear, Out the Other

Three friends, a lawyer, a doctor, and a preacher, decided to go deer hunting together. During the hunt, all three simultaneously saw a big buck and shot it. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A game officer happened to pass by and asked what the problem was. They told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly. The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Last Rites

While walking on the street, a man suffered a heart attack. As he lay dying he began to yell out, "I need a priest, I need a priest!"

Another man came along and asked what was wrong. The dying man said, "I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm dying."

The passerby answered,"There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help. I'm not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic Church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time. I think that I can say it for you."

The dying man said, "Thank You."

So the helpful man leaned close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeated the ritual as he has heard it so many times: "B-4, N-33, G-52, I-25, ... Bingo.”

The New Priest

A new priest was about to say his first mass but was so nervous he could hardly speak. So he sought the advice of the monsignor, who told him, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. Right before he started mass, he began to feel nervous, so he took a sip. He calmed down almost immediately. So whenever he nerves occasionally came back, he took small sips. By the time he reached the sermon, he has taken several sips. Feeling good, he proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Say a Little Prayer

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town.

After much prayer at the first church, the elders determined the animals were predestined to be there. After all, they reasoned, who were they to interfere with God's will? Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. A day later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

In the Confession Box

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

The New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Memories

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."

The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said, "Power."

The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex."

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny quavering voice, began to sing, "Precious Memories."