Showing posts with label Blondes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blondes. Show all posts
A Hot Blonde
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tie under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
"Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.
The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"
The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tie under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
"Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.
The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"
The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Parking a Dog
A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at a big shopping center and then rolled down the car windows to make sure his pet dog would have fresh air. The dog was fully stretched out on the back seat.
Wanting to impress upon his pet that she must remain there, he walked to the curb backward, pointing a finger at the car and emphatically commanded, "Stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
At the point, the driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde, gave him a strange look and asked, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
Wanting to impress upon his pet that she must remain there, he walked to the curb backward, pointing a finger at the car and emphatically commanded, "Stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
At the point, the driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde, gave him a strange look and asked, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
Swimming across the English channel
A blonde, brunette and redhead all decided to see who would swim the English channel the fastest. To be fair, they agreed to use the same stroke - breast stroke.
So they lined up and jumped into the water at the same time. A few hours later, the brunette arrived on the other side, tired. The redhead arrived a couple of hours after.
After six more hours, the blonde finally came ashore, absolutely exhausted. When the TV crew covering the event asked her why she took so long, she complained, "Not to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other two used their arms."
So they lined up and jumped into the water at the same time. A few hours later, the brunette arrived on the other side, tired. The redhead arrived a couple of hours after.
After six more hours, the blonde finally came ashore, absolutely exhausted. When the TV crew covering the event asked her why she took so long, she complained, "Not to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other two used their arms."
Blonde and a Glass Wall
Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?
She wanted to see what's on the other side.
She wanted to see what's on the other side.
Potato blonde
A blonde, brunette and a redhead came out of a bank robbery situation. A cop came running behind them thinking that they robbed the bank so they all hid.
The brunette saw a bag full of cats and jumped in. The redhead saw a bag full of dogs and jumped in. The blonde saw a bag full of potato's and jumped in.
A few minutes later the cop saw the three bags. She walked up to the bags full of cats and kicked it. The brunette went "meow." She walked up to the bag full of dogs and kicked it. The redhead replied "woof." She then walked up to the bag of potatos and kicked it. The blonde then replied "potato!"
The brunette saw a bag full of cats and jumped in. The redhead saw a bag full of dogs and jumped in. The blonde saw a bag full of potato's and jumped in.
A few minutes later the cop saw the three bags. She walked up to the bags full of cats and kicked it. The brunette went "meow." She walked up to the bag full of dogs and kicked it. The redhead replied "woof." She then walked up to the bag of potatos and kicked it. The blonde then replied "potato!"
TGIF SHIT
A business executive got on an elevator in his building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and again said, "T-G-I-F."
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man replied, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and again said, "T-G-I-F."
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man replied, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Unleaded Fuel Only
A flying saucer, running low on fuel, decided to refill at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah, so?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes, and exclaimed, "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah, so?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes, and exclaimed, "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
The Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at a casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She then hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She then hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.
Everything but the Earrings
A lady was shopping for a flat TV screen when the salesman offered, "I can let you have it for $900, minus six percent for cash."
The lady was slow in math but did not want to let the salesman know that. So she told him she will think about it and come back the next day.
That night, she asked her blonde roommate, "If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus 6%, how much would you take off?"
The blonde replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
The lady was slow in math but did not want to let the salesman know that. So she told him she will think about it and come back the next day.
That night, she asked her blonde roommate, "If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus 6%, how much would you take off?"
The blonde replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
How to Murder a Blonde
Q. How do you murder a blonde?
A. Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.
A. Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.
Two Blonde Men
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and do it there."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and do it there."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the neighborhood playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. She looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. She looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Two Blondes Golfing
Two young blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to whom, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to whom, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
A Blonde's Job Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview. The interviewer starts with the basics, "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
She counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 21."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice, "Can you tell us your height, please?"
The blonde stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot four!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup, "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
She bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the blonde cheerfully," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
She counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 21."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice, "Can you tell us your height, please?"
The blonde stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot four!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup, "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
She bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the blonde cheerfully," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
Hot Red Convertible
A hot red convertible with an equally hot lady driver raced by another car driven by a man, accompanied by his wife and their male friend. The two men turned and stared.
"Wow," sighed the first guy, "Nice."
"Yeah," the friend agreed, also transfixed.
"What color was the car?" the wife asked.
Both answered simultaneously, "Blonde."
"Wow," sighed the first guy, "Nice."
"Yeah," the friend agreed, also transfixed.
"What color was the car?" the wife asked.
Both answered simultaneously, "Blonde."
Blonde Pilot
A blonde is on a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio and yells, "Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control receive her call for help and answers back, "Don’t worry, ma'am. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I’m 5'5" and sitting in the front."
Ground control receive her call for help and answers back, "Don’t worry, ma'am. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I’m 5'5" and sitting in the front."
One Eye, One Ear
Three blondes were under training to be detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, the"r instructor shows the first blonde a picture for five second and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The instructor says, "Well that’s because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he then flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The instructor angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are shown in the picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses."
The instructor is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can’t believe it... it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That’s easy," the blonde replied, "He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
The first blonde answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The instructor says, "Well that’s because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he then flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The instructor angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are shown in the picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses."
The instructor is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can’t believe it... it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That’s easy," the blonde replied, "He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Blonde Dyes to Brown
A blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?”
The shepherd replied, “Why not?”
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.” This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.”
The blonde scanned the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
The shepherd replied, “Why not?”
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.” This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.”
The blonde scanned the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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