Showing posts with label Lawyers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lawyers. Show all posts
Two Questions
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Sure", says the attorney. "What's the second question?"
"Sure", says the attorney. "What's the second question?"
Why You?
The local United Way office realized that it has never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer so it sends a local volunteer to solicit his donation. The volunteer tells the lawyer, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a $1 million, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says, "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated volunteer, now completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says, "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says, "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated volunteer, now completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says, "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
An Honest Lawyer
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer.
"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer.
"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
Professionals to be sent to Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
My Dad's a Lawyer
Two pre-schoolers met and became instant friends.
"My name is Joey. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy's an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joey.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joey.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
"My name is Joey. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy's an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joey.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joey.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Robbers vs Lawyers
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake, where the members gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was just happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss yelled, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"
The gang was just happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss yelled, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"
Punishment
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried, "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
"That's unfair!" he cried, "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded, "You fool, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded, "You fool, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
Sentencing an Arm
A young trial lawyer was hired to defend a man caught red-handed committing burglary. The young attorney was particularly known for being witty and the judge was well aware of his reputation and was anxious to see what creative defense strategy the young man will use.
The judge didn't have to wait long as the young lawyer pleaded guilty on his client's behalf but quickly argued, "While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
“Well put,” the judge replied, thinking he had the perfect retort, "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
The judge didn't have to wait long as the young lawyer pleaded guilty on his client's behalf but quickly argued, "While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
“Well put,” the judge replied, thinking he had the perfect retort, "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Knowing the Facts
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded politely, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Forty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Forty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you really expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into this court and give us that type of detail?"
The witness was unfazed. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded politely, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Forty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Forty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you really expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into this court and give us that type of detail?"
The witness was unfazed. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."
Honest Lawyer
Two pre-school boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
First boy: My name is Billy. What's yours?
Second boy: Tommy.
Billy: My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do?
Tommy: My Daddy's a lawyer.
Billy: Honest?
Tommy: No, just the regular kind, I think.
First boy: My name is Billy. What's yours?
Second boy: Tommy.
Billy: My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do?
Tommy: My Daddy's a lawyer.
Billy: Honest?
Tommy: No, just the regular kind, I think.
Mending Fences
There is this wall between Heaven and Hell, which is cared for in alternate aeons by the two sides. However it has fallen into disrepair, prompting St. Peter to seek out Lucifer.
"Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get it done," intoned the old man.
"I don't care how it looks," says Lucifer, "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," says St. Peter, "It's your official obligation. We have a contract to that effect. You're committed."
"I don't give a damn about any contract," replies Lucifer, "As you should know by now, I don't care what it says - I'm not going to do anything."
"You have to," insists St. Peter, "The law is the law. If you force us to, we'll have to sue you."
"Sue me?" cries Lucifer, breaking into his famous nasty laugh, "And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
"Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get it done," intoned the old man.
"I don't care how it looks," says Lucifer, "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," says St. Peter, "It's your official obligation. We have a contract to that effect. You're committed."
"I don't give a damn about any contract," replies Lucifer, "As you should know by now, I don't care what it says - I'm not going to do anything."
"You have to," insists St. Peter, "The law is the law. If you force us to, we'll have to sue you."
"Sue me?" cries Lucifer, breaking into his famous nasty laugh, "And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
A Smart Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a transcontinental fligh. The lawyer turns to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five bucks, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me five, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you five hundred bucks."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his notebook computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and googles repeatedly but could not find the answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me five, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you five hundred bucks."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his notebook computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and googles repeatedly but could not find the answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
More Courtroom Misquotes
Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And lastly, Stanley, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on March 23, 1999?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Smith, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
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Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 4th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-nine or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-four years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Margaret?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And lastly, Stanley, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on March 23, 1999?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Smith, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 4th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-nine or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-four years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Margaret?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Courtroom Misquotes
Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
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Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
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Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
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Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
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Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
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Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
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Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
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Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 18 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 18 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
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