Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought fifty acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there, who, in a loud voice, said, "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come... about 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
As Lars is leaving, he pauses and says, "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Showing posts with label Rednecks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rednecks. Show all posts
Solving a Redneck Murder
Reason Why it's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA are the same.
Bubba and His Two Assholes
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "His face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange but said nothing. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
"So the mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
Perplexed, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "His face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange but said nothing. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
"So the mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
Perplexed, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Watch this!
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
"Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
Ghosts
A professor is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 80 students raise their hands.
"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" 35 students raise their hands.
"That’s really good. Now has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 4 students raise their hands.
"That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. Has any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit. From baaack there it sounded like you said 'goats!'"
"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" 35 students raise their hands.
"That’s really good. Now has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 4 students raise their hands.
"That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. Has any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit. From baaack there it sounded like you said 'goats!'"
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