Bad Stomach

A man with a bad stomach goes to his doctor for treatment. The doctor told him his condition is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up his anus.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or Vaseline.

The man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. So he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doc did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

A Long Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man decided to take a long hot bath. Just as he became comfortable in the water, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A saleslady at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub. Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor advised, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

Joe's Operation

Joe has a successful career, but as he got older he increasingly suffered incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to be affected, he decided to seek medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who was able to diagnose the problem, "The good news is I can cure your headaches...the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was both shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but decided he had no choice but to go for it. After the operation, he was indeed cured of his headaches. But he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "Maybe that's what I need - a new suit." So he entered the shop and told the salesman he would like a new suit. The tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman again eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."

Again Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. The salesman then offered, "About new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half... wide."

Joe was now truly astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure.."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old. Surely you are mistaken this time."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

The Gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist, who took one glance at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, after which he began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I’m doing?"

"Yes," the woman replied, "You’re checking for any dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts and asked, "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she replied, "You’re checking for any lumps."

"Correct," replied the doctor as he mounted her and began to have sex with her.

"Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You’re getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Doc I Have A Sore Throat

A young attractive female patient went to the doctor's office.

At the front desk, she said that she wanted to see the doctor for a throat exam.
The admitting clerk told her to take off her clothes and enter the waiting room.
The young woman protested, again saying that she came in just for a throat exam, pointing a finger at her throat. Not being able to convince the clerk, the young woman took off her clothes and entered the waiting room.

Inside was another young woman, also naked. The young woman complained to the woman who was already in the room, "A very strange thing occurred. I came in to have a throat exam and that clerk told me to take off my clothes and enter this room."

To which the young naked woman, who was already in the room, replied, "What are you complaining about. I just came in to pay my bill."

Doctors at St. Peter's Gate

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at St. Peter's Gate. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of kids." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter, but..." he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener

A new, young doctor doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doc, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Three Meals a Day

A lady visits her doctor again.

Doc: You looked more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having three meals a day as I advised?

Lady: What? I thought you said three MALES a day!