A man enters a bar carrying an alligator and announces, "Here’s the deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees. So the guy proceeds to drop his pants and puts his genitals in the gator's mouth. The gator then closes its mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth wide, allowing the man to remove his genitals unscathed. So everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Showing posts with label Bar Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bar Jokes. Show all posts
How Old am I?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
Drink Less
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry, sir," the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea, too," replies the guy, "I went to see my doctor yesterday and he told me that I should drink less."
"I'm sorry, sir," the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea, too," replies the guy, "I went to see my doctor yesterday and he told me that I should drink less."
The Forgetful Bartender
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he still owes money.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The bartender replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and orders his drink. As the bartender gives him his drink, he leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men ordered beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the third customer responds, "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The bartender replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and orders his drink. As the bartender gives him his drink, he leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men ordered beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the third customer responds, "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.
Pissing in the Bar
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out, "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."
The bartender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist. Here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.
"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" yelled the bartender.
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."
The bartender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist. Here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.
"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" yelled the bartender.
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."
I bet I can bite both of my eyes
A man walks into a bar, has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty bucks. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now has doubled. The man bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. So the man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now has doubled. The man bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. So the man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
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