When Retired Husbands Get Bored Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Smith are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1 June 15:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5-minute intervals

3 July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's rest-room.

4 July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Houseware. Get on it right away."

5 August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6 August 14:

Moved a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.

7 August 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8 August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9 September 4:

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

12. October 6:

In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least

15. October 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Shopping for Toilet Paper

Man: I'd like to buy some dog food.
Check-out Lady: Do you have a dog?
Man: Yes.
Check-out Lady: Where is he?
Man: He's at home.
Check-out Lady: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
Man: I'd like to buy some cat food.
Check-out Lady: Do you have a cat?
Man: Yes.
Check-out Lady: Well... where is he?
Man: He's at home!
Check-out Lady: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The following day the man returns.
Check-out Lady: What's in the sack?
Man: Put your hand inside.
Check-out Lady: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
Man: I would like to buy some toilet paper.