The English Launguage is Crazy

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, or meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grouse and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

People, not computers, invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Russian Weather Forecast

A Russian couple was walking down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear."

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not argue about it," the man says. "We will ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A Double Positive Cannot Be Negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Witty Business Names

"Cut & Face" - hair salon

"Summa Cum Laundry" - laundromat

"Pussies and Bitches" - pet shop

"Bread Pit" - bakery

"Blow Jab" - boxing gym

"Chickpoint" - beer joint

"Star Wash : Attack of the Clothes" - laundromat

"Curl Up And Dye" - hair salon

"Gee Congee" - congee restaurant

"SHOEPERMAN: we will HEEL you, save your SOLE, and even DYE for you" - shoe repair shop

"Petness First" - fitness club

"Income Taxi" - taxicab

"2nd Time Around" - 2nd hand watch store

"Nota Republic" - gay lawyer's office

"Fish Be With You" - aquatic pet shop

"Saudia Hairlines" - beauty salon

"Wash Your Problem" - laundromat

"Pizza Hot" - pizza parlor

"The Last Supper" - restaurant

"Gaymann Fitness Center " - fitness center

"The Master Baiter" - bait and tackle shop

"Hair Dot Comb" - hair salon

Eating Habits

The fitness trainer sat down with a new client at the gym to review her application. For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the client wrote "Horrendous eating habits."

"What makes you say that?"

The client replied, "I can't spell atrocious."

Think!

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it - "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which reads - "Thoap!"

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they get into financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly - - - com-for-da-bul."

Things That are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Fascinate

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female -Any part under a car's hood.
Male -The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male -Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female -The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female -A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male -Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female -A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female - An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) v.

Female -The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male - Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male -A device for scanning through all 500 channels every 10 minutes.