Mowing the Lawn

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Making Her the Happiest Person

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world..."

She replies, "Really? I'll miss you..."

That Venus and Mars thing

Submitted by Armand T. -

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, but then she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT? What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We had a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

New Study About Women

A new study about women has some pretty interesting results:

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married...

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married...

The remaining 5% say that they don't care, they still love him and would have married him anyway.

Directions

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment. "You come to the front door of the complex and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator turn right. My unit is the first door on your right. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you."

"Honey, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the boyfriend asks.

"Oh my God! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

Vacation

Boss said to Secretary: We will go abroad for a week, so make arrangement.

Secretary makes call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going
abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband makes call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so
lets spend the week together.

Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private tutor: I
have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have
class because my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa (the Boss) makes call to his secretary: This week I am spending
my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary makes call to her husband: My boss has some work this week, we
canceled our trip.

Husband makes call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my
wife has canceled her trip.

Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private tutor: This
week we will have class as usual.

Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week
I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa makes call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend
that meeting, so make arrangement.

My Ex-Girlfriend

I received a call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting and re-kindling a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I'm not sure if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me." She just giggled and said she was sure I’d "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider now."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. "Anyways," she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

Never Lie to Your Mum

A young man Paul invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal the mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and Simon. Paul met her rowing eyes. Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure," said Paul.

So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM