And That's Why We Ask

At the airport check-in gate, airport employee: Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

Passenger: If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

The employee smiles knowingly and nods: That's why we ask.

Four is larger than Two.

A repairman was repairing a garage door. He tells the wife one of their problems is that they don't have a large enough motor on the opener.

The wife tells him they already have the largest one his company made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

The repairman shakes his head and says, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."

She tells him 1/2 is larger than 1/4.

He says, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

They haven't used that company's repair service since.

Unlocking a Car

A couple arrives at a car dealership to pick up their car. The service manager tells them the keys have been accidentally locked inside. So they proceed to the service department and find a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As the woman watches from the passenger side, she instinctively tries the door handle and discovers that it is unlocked. "Hey," she announces to the technician, "it's open!"

He replies, "I know. I already got that side."

Lost Luggage

An airline passenger couldn't find his luggage at the airport baggage area so he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags never showed up. She smiled and told him not to worry because she was a trained professional and that he was in good hands. "Now," she asked, "Has your plane arrived yet?..."

Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig. It was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then said, "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

Fast Service

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Dope

A man was at the bar, looking very miserable. His friend arrived and asked him, "What's the problem?"

He replied, "I think my wife is selling drugs!"

"What make you think that?" his friend asked.

"Well, yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, 'Hey honey is that DOPE gone yet?'"

Your Table is Ready

A couple showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. So the woman went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?"

The hostess, ignoring her and kept writing in her book. The woman asked again, "How much of a wait?"

The hostess finally looked up and said, "About ten minutes."

A short time later we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

Rental Car for 90 Year Old

After booking his 90-year-old mother on a transcontinental flight, a man called the airline to go over her needs. The representative listened patiently as he requested a wheelchair and an attendant for his mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. He also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Why, you're welcome," she replied. He was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother be needing a rental car?"

Lightheaded

The hospital's E.R. received a call from an anxious lady who said, "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today."

"Are you lightheaded?" the nurse asked.

"No, I'm a brunette."

Bank Robbery

A gang decides to rob a bank. After days of carefully planning, they went to work and were able to get inside the bank vault quite easily. Once there they happily discover a wall full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Boss says, "Well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find something valuable, they continue for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the boss said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear, "Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the country was robbed by a still unidentified group..."

Free Sex Contestants

To combat the high fuel prices, a gas station offered a free sex contest for patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. So Tom and Jerry went to the station to join the contest. They inquired with the attendant.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked Tom.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 9, " said Tom.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, Jerry asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"4," said Jerry.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 5," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, Tom said to Jerry, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said Jerry, "My wife won twice last week."

Making Sure

Joe and Fred are hunting when Fred suddenly keels over. Frantic, Joe calls 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the other end replies, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator, "What do I do next?"

Blinkers

A man got in a cab to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The cab driver wasn’t sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man, "Will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?"

As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."