Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try this simple experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.....

When you open the trunk, see who is happiest to see you!

Looks like Yours

A man goes into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck. Of course the doctor asks what happened to him.

"Well, it pretty much goes like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Holy cow, honey, this looks like yours!'"

Miser's Final Wish

A miser had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He loved money more than just about anything. But he was taken gravely ill and just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife."

So during the his burial, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait!" She walked over with the box and placed a shoe box in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

A friend, who's aware of the miser's last wish, said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian. I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife, "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Millionaire

A woman bragged to her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."

"Well, what was he before he married you?"

"A billionaire."

The Dead Wife

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia, specifically making love to a dead woman.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons - One, it's none of your damn business; two, she was my wife; and three, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

Last Wish

Poor old Abe was on his deathbed gasping his last. He beckoned his wife Rachel to come close.

"Rachel", he whispered, "I want you should do me one last favor before the Almighty takes me away."

Rachel gazes at Abe with pity. "Anything, my dear, anything," she replies.

"In that case," whispers Abe, "When I die, I want you should marry Bob."

"Bob!" protests Rachel "I thought you hated Bob."

"Exactly..." said Abe.

Wife Too Jealous

There was once a wife who's so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hair on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume either, she yelled again, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

The Strip Club

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave, "He’s on my bowling team."

When they're seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?"

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."