A bum approached a man for some loose change.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks.

"No, I don't drink," replied the bum.

The man looked at the bum's tattered and clothes and worn-out shoes and asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

"No, I don't gamble."

The man asked again, "Do you play golf?"

The bum was puzzled but nevertheless replied, "No, I don't play golf."

Then the man then offered, "Come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

Wrong Lessons

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The women are taking their sweet time.

Finally the last woman takes her turn. She hacks the ball 10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another 10 feet, then another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f**king lessons I took didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

He didn't even get the chance to duck.

Looks like Yours

A man goes into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck. Of course the doctor asks what happened to him.

"Well, it pretty much goes like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Holy cow, honey, this looks like yours!'"

Dangerous Hook

After a particularly poor game of golf, Jim skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a cop stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the 16th hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," Jim responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?"

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

Jim thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

How Golf Is Like Peeing In A Public Restroom

Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

Form a loose grip.

Keep your head down.

Avoid a quick back swing.

Stay out of the water.

Try not to hit anybody.

If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

Be quiet while others are about to go.

Keep strokes to a minimum.

Free Butter

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups. Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball. After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say, "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

Startled, the man looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail. Again he prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say, "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

This time when the man looked around to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechaun beside him. The little man said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free."

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussy willows?"

Desert Island Golf

A man has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day, he espies a speck in the horizon and thinks to himself, "That's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "That's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "That's not a raft."

Then suddenly, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! This is good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

Stunned, the man replies, "I can't believe this! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

Tie Me UP

A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Gorilla Golf

A guy walked into a pro shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around, "I've got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle every time!"

Everyone in the pro shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said, "You know what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green, just 6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed, "How did you train him to hit the ball like that! There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money."

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"

The trainer responded, "Just like he drives - 500 yards. Right down the middle - every time."

Two Blondes Golfing

Two young blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to whom, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

Ten Minutes Late

Three golfers, John, Jerry, and Matthew are looking for a fourth. John mentions that his friend Michael is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says Michael, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Saturday rolls around. John, Jerry, and Matthew arrive promptly at 6:00 and find Michael already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says Michael, "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time Michael plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, Michael says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Week after week, Michael is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple of months, Matthew is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, Michael. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's your story?"

"Well," Michael says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Jerry asks.

"Well...that's when I'm about ten minutes late."

Pregnant wife

A Lamaze class was in full swing with the room full of pregnant women and their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Private Lessons

A couple loves to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they would like to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man follows the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man tells his wife the good news and she can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."

Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer asked, "Why can't they play at night?"

10 Things in Golf that sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh no my shafts all bent.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up... I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.