Guy, having a hangover, talking to his buddy: Man! Last night was really weird. I went into the bathroom and saw some guy in there. He was wearing exactly the same shirt as me, so I was like, "hey dude, you should have told me so we don't look like idiots." He just kept staring at me so I got pissed and hit him. Weird thing is I blacked out right after. I woke up with my hand all bloody and covered with glass...that dude, he just disappeared. Never saw him again..."
Buddy: This dude, did he happen to look just like you?
Showing posts with label Drunks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunks. Show all posts
How Old am I?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
A Drunk's Diary
Dear Diary,
Today I read an article on the dangers of drinking... It really scared the shit out of me!
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Today I read an article on the dangers of drinking... It really scared the shit out of me!
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
A drunk knocks at the door at night...
A man is in bed with his wife when someone knocked at their front door. He looked at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thought, and rolled over.
Then, a louder knock followed. "Aren't you going to get that?" his wife asked.
So he dragged himself out of bed and went downstairs. He opened the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurred the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," said the man and he slammed the door. He got back up to bed and told his wife what happened.
She said, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy is drunk," said the husband.
"It doesn't matter. He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband got out of bed again, got dressed, and went downstairs. He opened the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cried out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouted, "Where are you?"
The drunk replied, "Over here, on the swing..."
Then, a louder knock followed. "Aren't you going to get that?" his wife asked.
So he dragged himself out of bed and went downstairs. He opened the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurred the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," said the man and he slammed the door. He got back up to bed and told his wife what happened.
She said, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy is drunk," said the husband.
"It doesn't matter. He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband got out of bed again, got dressed, and went downstairs. He opened the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cried out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouted, "Where are you?"
The drunk replied, "Over here, on the swing..."
Designated Decoy
A cop had a bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for a few minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other bar patrons had gotten into their respective cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot. Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The cop asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the cop wondered, "How can this be?"
The man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Meanwhile, all the other bar patrons had gotten into their respective cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot. Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The cop asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the cop wondered, "How can this be?"
The man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Things That are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Beating the Shit Out of a Ghost
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second man says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
The first man replies, "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second man tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
The first man answers, "No, I'll prove it again." So he jumps again and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man finally agrees, "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th... 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a "splat."
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
The second man says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
The first man replies, "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second man tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
The first man answers, "No, I'll prove it again." So he jumps again and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man finally agrees, "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th... 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a "splat."
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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