You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
Showing posts with label Senior Citizens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Senior Citizens. Show all posts
Senior Moment
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break from setting up their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
Seniors - don't mess with them
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
Seniors - don't mess with them
The $1.99 Special
An old couple went to a restaurant where the "seniors' special" breakfast special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," the wife said, "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then, I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress advised her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously.
"Yes," stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then."
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
"Sounds good," the wife said, "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then, I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress advised her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously.
"Yes," stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then."
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Stunning Senior Moment
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars,computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, ...and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding...
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars,computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, ...and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding...
Chocolate-Covered Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why
don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why
don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Am I Driving?
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The passenger thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The passenger was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Margaret, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Margaret turned to her and said, "Oh crap, am I driving?"
The passenger thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The passenger was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Margaret, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Margaret turned to her and said, "Oh crap, am I driving?"
Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 405. Please, be careful!"
"Hell, it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
"Hell, it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
What is Your Name?
Two elderly ladies have been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least five minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least five minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Supersex
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment and finally replied, "I'll take the soup."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment and finally replied, "I'll take the soup."
Three Retirees
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Three Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Eye Exam
An elderly lady was having her eye examination. The doctor gently asked her if she could read a card the nurse was holding up. The lady did not respond.
"Can you see the letters on the card?" There was no response.
"Can you see the letters the nurse is holding up?" Again no response.
"Can you see how many fingers the nurse is holding up?" Still no response.
"CAN YOU SEE THE NURSE?"
"Can you see the letters on the card?" There was no response.
"Can you see the letters the nurse is holding up?" Again no response.
"Can you see how many fingers the nurse is holding up?" Still no response.
"CAN YOU SEE THE NURSE?"
Car Break-in
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher, "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says, "She got in the backseat by mistake."
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says, "She got in the backseat by mistake."
An Elderly Couple Finally Tying The Knot
An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30-odd years and, at the urging of their friends and family, they finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.
So the couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.
"Well," she said, trying to choose her words carefully, "I’d have to say... I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked... "Is that one word or two?"
So the couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.
"Well," she said, trying to choose her words carefully, "I’d have to say... I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked... "Is that one word or two?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Custom Search