What The Preacher Needs

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation as no one wanted him to leave.

John Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the town, stands up and announces, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every two years, and his wife with a Chevy minivan to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Not to be outdone, his brother Paul, who owns several rental houses in town, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay here, I'll let him and his family stay rent free in one of my rental houses, right down the block!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Then 88 year old Margaret Williams, stands up and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

Everyone became quiet until finally the Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Williams, whatever possessed you to say that?"

As her 90-year-old husband Ron tries to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head meekly, she smiles broadly and replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the preacher!'"

Profanities

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He commented, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

But the man continued, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.