Margarita the maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was not too happy about this and said, "Margarita, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."
"Well Senora, I iron better than you."
The wife asked, "Who said you iron better than me?"
"Your husband said so."
"I see."
Margarita continued, "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
The maid replied, "Your husband did."
"Oh."
Finally, she said, "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Aghast, the wife asked, "Did my husband say that as well?"
"No Senora, the gardener did."
She got the raise.
Showing posts with label Affairs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Affairs. Show all posts
Damn Fine Explanation
A wife comes home early and finds her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
"You are a disrespectful swine!" she cries. "How dare you do this to me - I'm a faithful wife, the mother of your beautiful children! I'm leaving you... I want a divorce right away!"
He quickly replies "Wait. Let me explain, I can tell you what really happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobs, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
So he explains, "Well, I was getting into my car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her get inside my car."
"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for four days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a quick shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away in the bin. Then, as she needed clean clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight-fitted."
"I also gave her the underwear that was given as your birthday present, which you don't wear because you told me, I don't have good taste. I also found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated to her those boots you bought at the expensive 'Mark and Spencer' shop and don't wear because someone at workplace has a similar pair."
The husband takes a quick breath and continues, "She was so grateful for my being thoughtful, understanding, and assistance that as I walked her through the door, she turned to me with big tears in her lonely eyes and said, 'Please, Sir... Do you have anything else, that your wife doesn't use anymore...' "
"You are a disrespectful swine!" she cries. "How dare you do this to me - I'm a faithful wife, the mother of your beautiful children! I'm leaving you... I want a divorce right away!"
He quickly replies "Wait. Let me explain, I can tell you what really happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobs, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
So he explains, "Well, I was getting into my car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her get inside my car."
"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for four days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a quick shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away in the bin. Then, as she needed clean clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight-fitted."
"I also gave her the underwear that was given as your birthday present, which you don't wear because you told me, I don't have good taste. I also found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated to her those boots you bought at the expensive 'Mark and Spencer' shop and don't wear because someone at workplace has a similar pair."
The husband takes a quick breath and continues, "She was so grateful for my being thoughtful, understanding, and assistance that as I walked her through the door, she turned to me with big tears in her lonely eyes and said, 'Please, Sir... Do you have anything else, that your wife doesn't use anymore...' "
Changing Filters
A seventy-five year old white guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old white girl, and get her pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says: "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says: "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."
Blind Man
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The owner, who also serves as the waiter also, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
The blind man senses the menu and says, "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the table and hands it to the blind man who puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner tells his wife the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting, "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know Mary worked here?"
The blind man senses the menu and says, "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the table and hands it to the blind man who puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner tells his wife the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting, "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know Mary worked here?"
Just One Bullet
A rich man suspected his wife of cheating on him so he hired a detective to trail her. The detective came back with photos to confirm his suspicion.
Feeling hurt and angry he hired a famous hitman to kill both his wife and her lover. The hitman was so good and accurate, he charges by the bullet. The man told the hitman he didn't care about the price but just to confirm first that his wife is still cheating on him.
So the hitman positioned himself some distance from the man's mansion. Once he caught sight of the wife, he called in, "Suspicion confirmed. I can see both of them. What is your final instructions."
Now really hurt and fuming mad, the man instructed, "Shoot her in the head and shoot the bastard in his private parts."
"Well, if I do it now I can save you one bullet..."
Feeling hurt and angry he hired a famous hitman to kill both his wife and her lover. The hitman was so good and accurate, he charges by the bullet. The man told the hitman he didn't care about the price but just to confirm first that his wife is still cheating on him.
So the hitman positioned himself some distance from the man's mansion. Once he caught sight of the wife, he called in, "Suspicion confirmed. I can see both of them. What is your final instructions."
Now really hurt and fuming mad, the man instructed, "Shoot her in the head and shoot the bastard in his private parts."
"Well, if I do it now I can save you one bullet..."
Mommy's Washcloth
One day the little boy walked in and saw his pregnant mother naked. Curious, he asked, "What is the hair in between your legs, Mommy?"
She replied, "It's my washcloth."
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, who had her pubic hair shaved for the delivery. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face with it."
She replied, "It's my washcloth."
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, who had her pubic hair shaved for the delivery. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face with it."
Legs Up
Little Johnny found his puppy Buddy dead in the back yard and ran crying to his father, who explained Buddy had gone to heaven.
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."
Little Johnny seemed satisfied with the explanation and was able to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny?"
"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' If it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."
Little Johnny seemed satisfied with the explanation and was able to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny?"
"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' If it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
A Wonderful Time
A woman is in her bed having wild sex with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend, when her phone rings. She answers the call as her lover listens in, "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... That sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
When she hangs up, her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his hunting trip with you."
When she hangs up, her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his hunting trip with you."
Cheating Husband
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why do you need cyanide?"
The lady said, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, "I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist said, "Why do you need cyanide?"
The lady said, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, "I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription."
Can I Ride?
A couple were in their bed ready to make love when their four year old son walked in and asked, "Daddy can I ride on your back?"
The dad said no, but the wife said, "It's OK honey he doesn't know what's going on." So the son rode daddy while the couple continued making love.
Soon the wife started moaning and breathing heavily, the little boy yelled, "Daddy you better hold on. When she did that yesterday me and the milkman both almost hit the floor!"
The dad said no, but the wife said, "It's OK honey he doesn't know what's going on." So the son rode daddy while the couple continued making love.
Soon the wife started moaning and breathing heavily, the little boy yelled, "Daddy you better hold on. When she did that yesterday me and the milkman both almost hit the floor!"
The Toy and the Kids
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
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