Wrong Name

Angie, crying on phone: ...and just when he was about to come, he screamed, "Oh Angie!!!"

Friend: What's wrong with that? Your name IS Angie.

Angie: He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Sarah."

Wrong Feet

While on vacation in Jamaica a married couple walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
Something his wife haven't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, he grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You gotdem on the wrong feet!"

Waking up to an Earsplitting Yell

A wife went to see a therapist and said, "I got a big problem, doc. Every time we’re in bed and my husband comes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear,” the doctor said, "that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?"

"The problem is, it wakes me up."

Sex On Mars

Mike and Gidget landed on Mars. There they met a Martian couple and discussed with them about all sorts of things. Finally Gidget brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" she asked.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Gidget and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. She was disappointed to find that he had a very small member no more than half-an-inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," she said.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples joined their normal partners. As they walked along Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to admit it," said Gidget, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

Looking On

A woman went to her shrink as she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but wasn't able to obtain a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I actually did once."

"And how did your husband look?"

"Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

Legs Up

Little Johnny found his puppy Buddy dead in the back yard and ran crying to his father, who explained Buddy had gone to heaven.

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."

Little Johnny seemed satisfied with the explanation and was able to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny?"

"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' If it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."

Who Enjoys Sex More

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we`re so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That does not prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

Sex in the Dark

The husband of a couple who have been married for over twenty years always insisted on turning off the lights every time they made love. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, torrid session, she suddenly turned on the lights, looked down and saw her husband holding almost real to life, a 9 inch vibrator.

She went completely ballistic. "You cheater," she screamed at him, "How could you have lied to me all of these years? I'm shocked, offended, and feel betrayed. You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "Darling, I'll explain the toy...will you explain the kids?"

Memories

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."

The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said, "Power."

The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex."

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny quavering voice, began to sing, "Precious Memories."

The List

A man is having problems with his penis which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home deeply depressed. When he reaches his house, his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

Sex Sandals

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in, "Dey makes you wild at sex."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!"

Cheaper Sex

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor, "We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

So the doctor agreed and the couple proceeded to make love. After watching, the doctor said, "You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren’t having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can’t afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."

Three Meals a Day

A lady visits her doctor again.

Doc: You looked more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having three meals a day as I advised?

Lady: What? I thought you said three MALES a day!