Opening at the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, 2 men and a woman were the finalists.

For the final test, the first man was taken to a large metal door and was handed a gun. A CIA agent told him, "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Behind this door you will find your wife. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given similar instructions - kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Within seconds shots rang out, one after another.

Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. The agent was just about to go in and check things out when the door opened and the woman stepped out, sweating profusely.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

18 and 54

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall return home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at The Motel 6 with Hayden, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Sense of Humor

Wife: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?

Husband, looking at her head to toe: Your sense of humor!

Mad Cow

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

The waiter jokingly asked, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"

I answered, "Nah, she can order for herself."

That's when the fight started...

Dinner Choices

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Steak, Pasta, Roast Beef?

Wife: Yes or no.

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, a young bride requested her new husband to give her $20 for their lovemaking encounter. Eager to get going, he readily agreed.

Thinking it was a cute way way for her to afford new clothes and other stuff, the husband continued to give her $20 each time they made love. This continued on for over 40 years. Then one day, the husband came home in despair, having been laid off from his 40 plus year job at the plant. He has never invested any money as he was counting on his pension but now he was financially ruined.

His wife calmly handed him a bank book that showed over 40 years of regular deposits and interest, totally nearly a million dollars. The husband was astonished, but then show him additional bank certificates of deposits totaling well over $2 million.

She explained that for all those years she had been "charging" him for sex, she had saved the money and it had multiplied so many times over.

Her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

They found him submerged in the nearby lake, in his favorite car.

Some men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Secret of a Happy Married Life

John asked James, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

James replied, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

"Can you explain?"

"In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, John asked, "Can you give me some examples?"

John said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it."

"Then what is your role?"

"My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether China should devaluate its currency. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these."

Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Brithday Gift for the Wife

A man didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His friend replied, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

The first man liked the idea and did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

The Untold Secret of Married Life

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Since their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, a local newspaper reporter was assigned to learn the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man, "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting, she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And we lived happily ever after."

TV Remote

As a grocery shopper fumbled through her bag at the cash register looking for her wallet, a TV remote control fell out. The cashier was surprised and asked her, "Do you always carry your TV remote?"

"No," she replied, "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

Honey, Pack Your Bags

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

Understanding a Woman

There are only two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

Jilted

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

"Honey," she said, pointing, "Do you see that man drowning bourbon at the bar?"

The husband looked over and nodded.

"Well," she continued, "He's been drinking like that for ten years, ever since I jilted him."

"Nonsense," he said, "Even that's not worth so much celebrating."

20 Years

A lady woke up during the night and realized her husband was not in the bed beside her. So she searched the house looking for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table staring forlornly into a cup of coffee. He was deep in thought. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do."

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes I do."

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."

What If I Die First?

A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the following conversation takes place...

She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"

He: "That's a morbid question!"

She: "No, I really want to know."

He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might remarry."

She: "Would she live in our house?"

He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to move?"

She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"

He: "You know I paid $3,600 for that coat. Would you really want me to sell it for a loss?"

She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"

He: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!"

24 hours to Live

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Sex in the Dark

The husband of a couple who have been married for over twenty years always insisted on turning off the lights every time they made love. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, torrid session, she suddenly turned on the lights, looked down and saw her husband holding almost real to life, a 9 inch vibrator.

She went completely ballistic. "You cheater," she screamed at him, "How could you have lied to me all of these years? I'm shocked, offended, and feel betrayed. You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "Darling, I'll explain the toy...will you explain the kids?"

Animal Games

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!!!"